Friday, October 10, 2008

Letting the Ayers out

I am thinking of running for political office. Just to make certain there are no skeletons in my closet that can be paraded out to deflect from the legitimacy of my candidacy, I think it critical that you know the following:

1. I stole a baseball card from my counsellor when I was 6.
2. When I was 11, I told 3 girls in the same night that I wished the phone wasn't there to separate us.
3. I had a crush on my Fifth grade teacher (she later became my Aunt).
4. I was a lazy student.
5. I am a bad driver.
6. I think I am funnier than I really am, and I think my singing voice is better than it really is.
7. I had pre-marital sex.
8. I once had a photo taken of me mooning the camera.
9. I get up almost every night to pee.
10. I drink diet soda.
11. I stole a sticker from Yankee stadium after the last game.
12. I don't like people who point fingers, make baseless accusations and seek to focus scrutiny on anything but their own shortcomings.

I feel so much better having gotten all these terrible secrets out in the open.

As such, I wish to formally announce my intention to move to Alaska and run against Sarah Palin when her term for Governor expires. We all know her 15 minutes is about to run out, and I am coming to get mine.


Anonymous said...

It's a good thing I don't live in Alaska, because I'd never vote for you knowing that you told 3 different girls, in the same night, that you wished the phone wasn't between you! Surely, that speaks volumes about your character. Child is the father to the man.

Robert said...

I have spent the next 45 years living a good, moral life ( by the way, the 3 girls were good friends, spoke with one another and blasted me the next day- I was not a very astute child)

I guess our past transgressions are never forgiven.

Anonymous said...

Robert/Robbie/Rob/Bob, It's Marc's (Dick's) friend, Jim/James (but never jimmy, a verb of faintly illegal behavior). Love the blog/post. Confession is one thing, atonement (corrections and/or improvements) another... if/when/should you run for office.

I note 2 thefts, a pattern of broken hearts/unfulfilled love, preoccupation with fluids, mixed accomplishments; certainly qualification for office, or the ministry (religion or cult of your choosing). Had you been a college cheerleader or point guard on a girl's basketball team, we could infer a party affiliation.

Now that I've found the blog, I'll catch up on your archive. Best to you & family, Wisconsin Slim

Robert said...

I love these comments that are mini-essays on their own

I have decided that given the seriousness of the events of this week that being a little less serious about them is probably the best way to maintain sanity.

Do we think that the official finding of Palin's abuse of power warrants comment? She is a walking talking disaster of epic proportions.


Jared Alessandroni said...

All those things are patently awful, but what is most disturbing is the diet soda. It seems namby-pamby. Limp-wristed. French. Don't you know we're at war? You should get some cocaine, ditch military service, and then spend an entirely incurious life of ironic repentance and start a war or two. Obviously.

Robert said...

Who could you possibly be referencing?

All I know is drinking diet soda is the worst offense I have committed, I should start to rethink where I am headed.