Wednesday, November 12, 2008

I can be bought

An open letter to Hank Steinbrenner:

I know that the free agency period begins this Friday and I just wanted to alert you to my status and my qualifications:

1. I am 56 years old. I am 5 foot 7 inches tall and weigh about 150 pounds.My belly is starting to protrude, but only a little
2. I last played organized baseball 44 years ago (1964) . When were you born?
3. I pitched a 1 hitter in Little League (I think the official scorer should have changed the hit to an error, as the second baseman made a feeble attempt to snare a grounder hit right at him).
4. I never hit a home run in any official game, but I once hit a ball that caromed off the fence on a bounce.
5. I was a phenom at age 6 in the softball league put together by Norman Birnbaum ( his son Roger is now head of one the studios in Hollywood, but he was only a mediocre hitter and fielder).
6. I played co-ed softball when I was in my 30's. Though I hit down in the order, the first baseman was really impressed with my arm strength from the shortstop hole.
7. I have attended a lot of games over the years (the Reggie 3 home run game, the Jeter catch, the last game played at the stadium). I have spent a lot of money on the Yankees, some of which must have found its way to your family.
8. I stopped playing most sports over the years due to pulled muscles, tight hamstrings, and general laziness. I have thus saved on much wear and tear on my body by not doing much of anything.
9. As the economy has slowed down, so has my business. Thus, I am able to devote more time to getting myself in shape by spring training.
10. I don't know what the major league minimum salary is, but I accept whatever this may be as my pay for the upcoming season. I know you have many high priced players, so you clearly have to cut costs somewhere on your roster.
11. I am a lawyer and I can handle A-Rod's divorce (at a reduced rate), re-write wills for anyone who wants, and take care of all real estate purchases and sales of anyone in the organization.
12. I won't be one of those problem players for the manager. I won't second guess how he uses me.

I think my resume speaks for itself. I am giving you the first opportunity to acquire my services. I feel a loyalty to the organization for all the years of pleasure it has provided me and my family. However, my offer will be rescinded if not accepted by Monday at 5 PM. The ball is in your court.

Sincerely yours,

Robert S Nussbaum

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