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Sunday, March 22, 2009

The Greening of My Head

I have always resisted the idea of getting hair transplants. Too painful, too costly, didn't reflect what is the core of my being. Bald is beautiful. Now, I may have found reason to change my mind.

I think I will grow Yankee turf on my head. Those who love everything Yankee will be green with envy as I proudly wear my heart on my head.The front page of the New York Times today (Want to Tread on Jeter's Turf? Yankees Grass is Now a Brand) goes into the details of making this dream become reality. While a field of bluegrass 2 1/2 acres large covers the stadium, the DeLea Sod Farms has grown 80 acres of this magical Yankee turf for the team. From this excess, coming soon to New York City Home Depot stores, for just $7.50 one can own a patch a little bigger than 5 square feet, 16 inches by 4 feet, of fake Yankee history.

Transplants normally run into thousands of dollars. I see a once in a lifetime opportunity to combine my passion for the Yankees with the need to cover my scalp from the burning rays of the sun, all at a laughably small price. If I can just get a piece of turf sown into my head, pretty soon my noggin will be the talk of the town. While I am sure this was not the contemplated use of this item, if the DeLea sod can be marketed as a "field of dreams around the home", why not own "the dome of your dreams"?

The sod comes with a certificate of authenticity which I can carry proudly in my pocket and pull out when the topic turns, as it inevitably will, to the splendor of my grass.

Rick DeLea, Vice President of DeLea Sod Farms, reported to the Times that the sod required full sun, good drainage, and reasonable maintenance. I can definitely handle that. I will have to live and work outside during the summer but that is a small price to pay. I am a little concerned about the winter and how I will be able to maintain a year round full head of grass. I might have to curtail my law practice and spend 6 months of the year down South. I hope the devil is not in the details.

Maybe, if I can grow my grass thick enough, I can cut it into designs and market my head as a billboard. There is no end to the ways to turn a profit off the public if you just think hard enough. Mr.DeLea has taught us all a lesson in ingenuity.For that, I tip my cap (filled with grass stains) to him.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Rick DeLea should also consider selling sod to a new upstart company in the Berkshires that manufactures merkins. Big business!

Robert said...

I can only imagine who might be bringing this discussion to this particular level. I guess I deserve this as I brought it on myself.

Petey said...

If some of the other ideas don't work you could always try Chia Pets

Robert said...

that has been a suggestion that has been made, that I have considered over the years.

However it pales in comparison to the opportunity to wear a piece of Yankee lore in perpetuity for everyone to admire.

Anonymous said...

I think Fenway Sod might look a lot better and grow a lot faster, just look at what happened to Manny's locks once he joined the Sox.

Robert said...

If my choice is bald as a cue ball or Fenway sod, then no green will ever grow on my scalp.

gail said...

Loved this piece. You should sent it somewhere. SI?

Robert said...

thank you. I know this was a love it or hate it piece (strange is certainly not too strong a word). glad you enjoyed it.