Saturday, March 6, 2010

On My Recent Dry Spell in the Letters Section of the New York Times

Dear New York Times,

When did we stop being friends? I thought you loved me (or my words at least). However, you have recently turned a cold shoulder and a deaf ear. You appear to have soured on me and I believe I am owed an explanation.

I have been writing you constantly over the past few weeks, a witty phrase here, a whimsical turn there, a somber and impressive discussion of matters weighty and timely. The wicked right, the troubled left, the health of health care, the problem with Palin. In return I have been met with a cold and stony silence. That is no way to treat an old acquaintance.

Am I bothering you? Am I losing my touch? Am I repeating myself too often (I know)? Have I stopped spinning tales that amuse or inform and now only give you a headache?

What can I do to win you back? Flowers and wine? Candy and caviar? Can I whisper those sweet nothings that you once thought were endearing? The pain of rejection is only increased by your indifference.

It may well be time for me to move on. You may have others who now strike your fancy. I know you don't lack for suitors. I may have been the flavor of the week and the week is past. Oh, the agony and the uncertainty.

I have thought of turning my gaze towards the Wall Street Journal but she holds no interest for me. There are no others in town who hold a candle to you, and so I have no burning desire to reach out to anyone else. I only have eyes for you, yet you now seem blind to my advances.

I will step back and calm down. I will take a deep breath and try to get a good night of sleep. I will attempt to gain control of my mind and my emotions. And then I will reach out to you again. Please promise me one last chance. Give me a topic and show me a sign. I can be your man once more. Maybe in the Sunday letters section. That would be nice.


Anonymous said...

what an odd way to measure one's worth and self-esteem. Perhaps you've just completely lost your mind.

Anonymous said...

If that's a typical sample of your substantive writing is there any wonder?

Robert said...

anonymous- you clearly have little intelligence or humor- please lose my number

Robert said...

PS- for anyone who may be confused, this was NOT actually a letter that I wrote to the NY Times.

Richie Jay said...

Personally, I think this is very witty and well-written.

Robert said...

Now that is a comment from a very astute source.

Your approval does mean much to me.

Robert said...

to robert from your friends in a faraway land...send the article to the nyt....they should be ashamed of themselves...we think that your writings are insightful and interesting...j&d in paris