Monday, April 19, 2010

A Disappointing Day


5:30 AM- Mattress- "Oh my God, don't you ever sleep? Can't you take a pill or something? I am exhausted these days. Don't turn on the light. Don't you dare turn on the light.You disappoint me."

5:35 AM- Computer- "Oh my God, don't you ever sleep? Oh, is this the day your genius will finally surface? Do you expect words of greatness to come out of me this morning? You have got to give me more help than you have recently. Tomorrow, if you don't find something exciting, I am shutting down. I will freeze up and you can find a pen and a piece of paper to do your dirty work.You disappoint me."

6:15 AM- New York Times and Bergen Record- "It is about time you picked us up. The floor is cold and dirty here. We feel so common. I want to go into the bedroom and relax a little. Don't bring us into the room with that stupid know it all computer. And for once, please try to read us with care. We have put a lot of time and thought into every word. And don't take us with you into the bathroom. It is demeaning and it is not a pretty sight in there. Don't you dare bring us in there. Don't you dare.You disappoint me."

7:15 AM- Shower- "You really shouldn't have eaten all that dessert over the weekend. That is not a flattering look. Bald and dumpy is not what we should be aiming for. I want you to try working out, just a little. I know what it has done for Joanne. Now, she looks fabulous. You still can't touch your toes, can you? Oh my God, you can't even touch your knees. You disappoint me."

7:50 AM- Clothes Closet- "Will you please give us a little help in here. When was the last time you went shopping? 6 pairs of khaki pants does not a wardrobe make. Aren't those your nephews pants, from 15 years ago that you are putting on? Can't you do any better than that? You disappoint me."

8:15 AM- Car- "I am freezing. Turn on the heat. What kind of garage is this? Water is leaking on me, and the drip, drip is driving me crazy. You guys are so cheap. I am an elder citizen and I deserve more respect. My oil needs changing, my fluids are low, and if it wasn't for Joanne, I would be breaking down on the road. Start paying attention to me. You disappoint me."

8:45 AM- Office phone- "Oh no, not you again. I still have a massive headache from your banging me repeatedly yesterday. It is called a cradle for a reason. I think you have to go into some sort of anger management therapy. Get a hold of yourself. It is only a job. You disappoint me."

8:50 AM - Desk in office- " What is going on with you these days. Everything that lands on me is full of drama. Stop throwing stuff at me, that pen hurt and left a mark. And can you tell some of those guys who come in to see us to get some new stories? I am tired of listening to this nonsense day after day. Let's take a deep breath, count to 10 and start out with a new attitude shall we. You disappoint me."

9:45 AM- Shoes- "Where are you taking me? Get back to your desk. You can't be taking a break already. Why are you getting in the car? Where are we going?"

10 AM- Shoes- "The Department of Motor Vehicles!! Do you see the line outside the door? Get back in the car!. Get back in the car right now!"

10:30 AM- Shoes- "We are not moving. You get up at 5:30 AM and you can't get me here when this place opens. What were you thinking? You disappoint me."

11:30 AM- Passport- "Please don't tell me you didn't bring enough points with you. I am not coming back here again. Oh, thank God, Joanne made you actually read the instructions before you showed up. Otherwise, you and I would be through. You disappoint me."

Noon- Stomach- "Are we eating here again? We must be meeting your mother. I know the drill, eat until I hurt. You disappoint me."

1 PM- Desk- "Where have you been? I thought you said you would be gone a few minutes? Don't you know we have work to do? You disappoint me."

2 PM- Vending Machine- "You know you want the Diet Coke. Who told you it was bad for you? Don't walk away from me. Don't you dare walk away from me. You disappoint me."

4 PM- Real Estate Closing Statement- "Is that all you are charging for all the work you did on this matter? Don't you have any sense of self worth? Don't you know if you don't ask, you won't receive? You disappoint me."

5 PM- Door to the office- "Yes, I am so happy you are walking out me now. Maybe you should consider taking tomorrow off. I can put a sign on me stating that you are gone until further notice. You disappoint me."

5:30 PM- Refrigerator- "Do you never eat anything during the day? Did you ever hear of a balanced diet? 5 pickles is not an appetizer. Stuffing your mouth full of food is distressing for me to watch. You disappoint me."

7PM - Television- "How come everyone else shouts out the answers to the Jeopardy questions, but you don't seem to know anything about anything? You should be watching "Are you Smarter than a Fifth Grader?" I take that back. I already know the answer to that question. You disappoint me."

8:30 PM- Mattress- "What are you doing back here already? I need a couple more hours of alone time. Go lie on the couch and fall asleep downstairs. I will tell the television to raise its voice at the commercial just before the 11PM news. Get out of here. You disappoint me."

10 PM- Wife- "So, did you have a good day/"
Me- " I would have to say it was disappointing. Definitely, disappointing."


anonymous said...

This is very, very clever. Your versatility has really been displayed this week--you've been a poet, a political analyst and a humorist. And, of course, you are always a great guy.

Robert said...

A very astute observation from my sister (there can be no hint of prejudice in her comments)

Thank you for the very kind words. The poem, sent to you, has still not been published on the blog, but may soon find its way there.

Unknown said...

This is hilarious. Although I need a word with your closet because I'm sure my pants are awesome.