Tuesday, January 5, 2016

The Gum Epidemic

This was a major breaking story that almost all media outlets somehow missed

President Obama today announced his war on gums, by making a series of executive orders aimed at curbing the ever burgeoning gum epidemic.

Reaction from the Republican presidential candidates was swift and unanimous. 

"We have a Constitution in this country and only a foreign born Muslim would take away our guaranteed rights. I chew gum religiously and am packing some even as we speak." With that Mr. Trump lifted up his jacket to reveal a  concealed 45 of Juicy Fruit. "Once I am President, my first order will be to undo every order of this President, even his weekly take out of Mexican food."

Ted Cruz promised to filibuster until the order was rescinded, bringing every Dr. Seuss book into the halls of Congress and reciting the entire script of Princess Bride backwards. 

Carly Fiorina declared " Hillary Clinton is responsible for this despicable act and I welcome the opportunity, when I am the Republican candidate, to make her eat her words and a stick of sugar filled gum."

Ben Carson and Rand Paul issued a rare joint statement condemning the President for unnecessary medical intervention. "As doctors, we were called upon to make life or death decisions every day. No Democratic candidate can make such a statement and Mr. Obama is not medically qualified to render such an order adversely impacting hard working Americans."

Chris Christie challenged the President, advising that as a former prosecutor he had faced down many terrorists but never one as despicable as the man in the Oval office. "When I am President I will assure that every American is fully protected and that those who would do harm to our liberties are dealt with in swift and certain fashion." 

Marco Rubio remembered his mother and father telling him stories of chewing gum as soon as they came to America.  "This is a great land, one in which we can choose our own path, tell our own story. Chewing sugared gum is an honored American tradition and I will not stand by idly while our hopes and dreams are destroyed."

An exasperated John Kasich forcefully exclaimed "I balanced a budget, people, and I am certainly able to protect the needs of the fine citizens of this country. I am the only grown up here, and I understand that grown ups are entitled to their gum." No one in the crowd seemed to react. "Is my mic on? Isn't anyone listening to me?"

Only Jeb Bush, among the major Republican candidates, did not make a public comment. Apparently he was napping.

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