Wednesday, January 25, 2017

The President's To-Do List for His First Week in Office

1. Walk on Water
2. Part the Red Sea
3. Learn how to play the piano
4. Cook spaghetti
5. Binge watch all previous seasons of Homeland
6. Screw up America
7. Teach his staff how to speak perfect Mandarin
8. Go on a diet
9. Call Melania at least once
10. Invite Putin to dinner.
11. Work on his short game
12. Start and finish construction on the Wall - ahead of schedule and way under budget
13. Find a good barber in Washington
14. Order a nuclear strike
15. Go see Hamilton 
16. Rewrite the Constitution.In tweets
17. Call Barron at least once
18. Close Guantanamo. Reopen as Trump Taj Mahal Guantanamo at $1500 per day, single occupancy
19. Screw up the planet
20. Cancel his subscription to the New York Times
21. Cancel Congress by executive order
22. Try the Chinese restaurant around the corner
23. Learn to play guitar
24. Ask Chris Christie how it's going
25. Read a book
26. Buy a mansion in Jerusalem
27. Learn to play chess
28. Invite Le Pen to dinner.
29. Try on the shoes just sitting in his closet
30. Cancel the European Union by executive order
31. Binge watch the Home Alone movies
32. Stop snoring
33. Try combing his hair sideways
34. Declare war
35. Get a new toothbrush
36. Take a vacation
37. Count the number of people at his Inauguration
38. Make every Tuesday Trump day by executive order
39. Become the ninth Justice on the Supreme Court
40. Take a walk around the block
41. Move Kellyanne's office to Moscow
42. Try sushi
43. Learn how to pronounce "China"
44. Buy gold. All of it.
45. Gargle before bed
46. Buy Twitter. All of it
47. Start the Trump Television Network
48. Memorize one new word a day
49. Declare himself King by executive order
50. Resign as President

And on the seventh day, he will rest.


Anonymous said...

Very clever

Anonymous said...

I loved this. And what is so amazing is the realization you could have rattled on for three, four even five hundred funny tasks... no problem. My favorite was to ask Chris Christie how it's going.
Just really loved that one!


Anonymous said...

Does he need to resign as President if he is King?

Robert said...

Unnecessary duplication, and Trump is all about governmental efficiency

Anonymous said...

He is such an embarrassment. Worse than I thought possible. PB

Anonymous said...

what's scary is all those items make sense in Trump world


Anonymous said...

love your piece
brilliant if not so sad