Wednesday, March 21, 2018


God forgot to check his calendar this year. Yes, I know all about global warming and understand that I will likely be sunbathing on the Hudson next January, but really what the hell is going on here?

I did the clock springing forward thing last week, but I am now staring out at what is, if memory serves me, the twelfth nor'easter in the last fifteen days. 

For all of you snowbirds thinking of heading north to watch the first bloom of the season, cancel your flight (it has probably already been cancelled anyway), put on another slab of 50 and head out to the pool. 

I think Punxsutawney Phil just saw his shadow (or is it that he didn't) and winter is scheduled to end here on June 11th. In fact, we have officially removed the phrase "April showers bring May flowers" from the English language.

For those who suffer from seasonal affective disorder (sad) they remain unhappy no matter how many hours of daylight we now allegedly enjoy. 

And the millions who go into hibernation with the first reading of the thermometer below 40 are now desperately gnawing at the front door.

There have now been at least one million flights that have not taken off from the New York airports during the storms that never end, twenty million phone calls trying to reschedule for the next day, or the one after that. And no one who can really help.

We have all become meteorologists, checking paths, calculating possibilities, certain that this next weather pattern will suddenly veer off the coast. For weatherman are never right. Except when they are.

I went to Whole Foods yesterday to prepare for staring out the window today and they were out of bananas. Really? Is everybody stocking up on potassium?

I have a confession. I like snow storms and always have. Except the one time I tried to kick Robert Epstein off my property on the newly fallen snow and he punched me in the stomach. But apart from that, snow and I have always had a warm relationship (strike that, a "cold relationship"). But enough is too much.

So what is it that God is thinking? Is he punishing liberals on both coasts? Is God a conservative? I can't wrap my brain around that one.

Did you know that the snow hasn't stuck on my balcony in any of these storms? No, how would you know that? Anyway, I just thought it was important to pass along that information to you. Never know when it might come in handy. It could even be a question on Jeopardy some day.

I brought work home from the office to do today. Who am I kidding? I would rather daydream about the actual start of spring, when I can consider another year of beating myself up on the golf course.

I should really knock on my neighbor's door. Except I have never done that in the past twelve years. He might wonder why I took the sudden interest in what he likes to eat for lunch.

Well, I have checked the long range forecast (for the thirty second time in the last two hours) and there seem to be no more snowstorms forecast on the horizon. It may be that the baseball season can actually start here sometime before Mother's day.

And for those of you who suggest global warming was invented by the Chinese, just know that this long winter of our discontent, is certain to be followed by an endless summer.

But for today, if you can't stand the cold, get back in the kitchen. It is snowing harder than ever now.


Paul Bilsky said...

First, God is a she. Next, the skiing has been outrageously fantastic!!!

Anonymous said...

We are standing on a long long long line waiting to see how many days we have to spend in the Windy City before we find a flight out back to NY. Out of hundreds waiting on this line, we are the only ones laughing because of your hilarious post!--RE